The Secret Squirrel Man vs Every Champion in League of Legends
by ProtoJaye
Summary: The powers of the squirrel man have been kept under wraps for a long time...until now! The Secret Squirrel Man has challenged each and every one of the champions in League to a fight. Will his powers turn out to be enough to defeat OVER ONE HUNDRED CHAMPIONS? You'll just have to read and find out.
1. Starry Night ignites Starry fights

**DISCLAIMER:**

 **Right off the bat I can tell that many of you might not like me for this. I'm aware how uninteresting and stupid this story can be. I don't even know if any of you guys will even like it. This is going to sound shitty buuuuuuut I'm not exactly doing this with the intent that it's going to be revered as something great (i.e. I'm not exactly doing it for you guys? Sorry?). It's something I want to share, but I've got zero expectations. The premise is just a writing exercise for me.** **I haven't been writing as much as I want to, plus I've been writing more comic scripts than prose these days. So hopefully writing for potential readers who will either criticize or compliment me might make me put more effort in than if I was just writing it for no one to read.**

The stars were out, but not the way they normally are. With the seemingly limitless amount of stars in the sky it was impossible to tell the difference unless you were the one who caused it. Unless you happened to be out n about the Rock Hill at midnight. At the peak of the hill a sea of stars came together, and slowly dripped it's way down. As they grew closer they took the form of a dragon who was not to pleased at the costumed crusader waiting for him.

"Secret Squirrel Man, you have been ordered to die." Aurelian Sol stretched his long serpent body to surround a man who wields a picnic basket.

"I'm aware." The Secret Squirrel Man proceeded to sit down and open his basket. "Can I ask you a question first?"

"I've got no time for this." he sneered.

"Really? You gonna do me like that? Can't honor a mans last wish, just gonna go straight to the killin?" The Squirrel Man began to munch the sandwich he pulled from his picnic basket. During his munching he would shake his head right before taking another bite.

Aurelian Sol thought for a moment. "Fine. It's not like your existence really means much anyway."

"Thanks breh." He held up his index finger in front of his face. It stayed in front of his face until the sandwich was done. After appreciating the meal with a stomach rub and some head bobs his finger moved up. "I take it you know a lot about stars since you're made out of some. Now I never got to really know these constellations. Like...I know the dippers n all, but can you tell me what that one is?"

Sol looked up for a split second. "That's Sagitarius."

"Nah no not that one. You're pointin at the one with all those stems right?"

"Yeah."

"Nah that aint' the one I'm talkin about. I'm talkin about that one."

"Libra?"

"Really? I thought you called that one **Deez**."

The words were finally spoken. Aurelian Sol locked eyes with his vanquisher moments before a giant acorn made out of meteorites crashed down onto him.


	2. Piltovers Finest

Between the hours of 7 and 9 o'clock a large amount of marijuana has been swiped all over Piltover. Thankfully it's legal to carry the herb in the city, which means officers have been getting plenty of reports from adolescents of their recreational drug being stolen. For weeks two of Piltovers finest have been on the case. One, a brash woman with heavy gauntlets has been using her force to interrogate the scum of the streets. The other uses her resources to do heavy research. As always it is the latter that has found the solution first.

"S-so if I do this you promise you won't tell my mom right?" the underaged stoner asked the British bombshell.

"That was the deal." Her eyes rolled, evidently tired of hearing variations of that question. She put her focus on setting up her perch instead of the nervous boy. "Get into position." she added a few seconds after realizing her bait wasn't cooperating.

The boy climbed down the house and met up with his three friends. They all began to pack and smoke a bowl. Usually the activity would be filled with laughs and stupid jokes. However no matter how much they smoked they couldn't loosen up. Caitlyn understood that the act wasn't what this man was going for. It was the weed.

Tree leaves started to rustle.

"Is someone over there?" the friends began whispering to one another. One of them pointed out what looked to be a pair of eyes in the shadows.

The quiet suburban neighborhood that existed outside the town helped Caitlyn hear the light footsteps coming towards the children. Despite her keen senses she couldn't get a read on where the sources of the sound was coming from. "Blitz, get into position." She whispered into her walkie-talkie with a frustrated tone.

"ScoOoOoOoOoOop." A dark figure yelled out moments before appearing above the group of druggies. They all got a good look at the man before he swiped their bag of weed.

Through her scopes Caitlyn was able to confirm that the Secret Squirrel Man had found his way into her city. Once the Squirrel Man placed his feet onto the ground he was quick to find a golden robot just a few feet away. All the children scattered once gun shots were fired from the womans gun. Lights turned on as the whole neighborhood began to watch a light speed chase between man and machine.

"Jesus Christ." Caitlyn stood up once she realized the two only took a few seconds to get out of her range. "Vi they're going back into the city. Get ready."

After just one minute Blitzcrank was able to chase the Secret Squirrel Man back into the city streets. Despite the costumed heroes attempts to create obstacles the golem refused to slow down. Blitzcrank was not aware that the Squirrel Man wasn't operating at 100%. The gap between them began to widen.

"A rolling golem gathers no rust." Blitzcrank cried just before firing his hand towards the seemingly unsuspecting Squirrel Man.

The Secret Squirrel Man made a slight dash to the side right before grinning. "But it will gather Deez." He smashed one of his metal acorns into the robots open palm. The satisfaction of hearing the robot blow up once his hand inevitably pulled back was short lived. A punch from a metal fist made certain of that.

Vi wasted no time informing her team that she had located the Secret Squirrel Man. Instead she charged straight at the building wall he was punched into. With great strength the squirrel man blocked the mad womans uppercut. They looked at each other for a few seconds. Things became weird once tears started to well up in the squirrel mans eyes.

"Did you break your hand?" Vi smirked.

The Secret Squirrel Man nodded. His answer was replied with a right hook that hit him square in the jaw, sending him to the ground.

"Vi! I'm almost-" Vi cut off her walkie talkie. She looked to the remains of her fallen robotic comrade, then at the stray citizens who were acting like they weren't just gawking at the situation. With their eyes averted she proceeded to drag the squirrel man into an alley.

"What are you doing in _my_ city?" Vi growled, throwing a punch in the Secret Squirrel Mans direction. She didn't let the fact that her target dodged the punch get to her. Her fists were pulled back once more. "Why have you been taking all this weed!?" Both of her fists came flying at the squirrel man, and both of them were dodged. Now she was mad. The questions stopped coming, rapid punches replaced them. Each of her attacks was dodged so quickly that she wasn't sure how he was doing it.

The Secret Squirrel Man waited until she was done punching. "I'd like to speak to my lawyer." He handed the woman a note card. Both of them ignored the sound of a motorcycle being turned off outside the alley.

"What kind of lawyer is-"

" **Deez**?"

The note-card turned out to not be am ordinary note-card. A metal acorn emerged from the mock paper in order to hit Vi square in the face. Its impact sent Vi crashing through the wall. Thanks to the Secret Squirrel Mans heightened senses his attention was immediately directed towards the end of the alley. Caitlyn was already a few seconds in aiming her gun at the squirrel man. The Secret Squirrel Man could see fire in her eyes, she wasn't going to miss this shot. Still he had to try to get out of the way. Despite his efforts to zig zag up one of the buildings, the marksman was successful in pegging the man in the leg.

Caitlyn sacrificed putting the killing blow in the Secret Squirrel Man in order to come to her partners aid.

Three Days Later

Caitlyn was joined with her two superiors; Captain Volibear and Constable Trundle. The three stood over the hospitalized Vi, whos face was covered in bandages. They waited for as long as they could, hoping that their co-worker would regain consciousness. However much like the other days her eyes didn't open. Each of them sadly pulled themselves from the room. They had work to do.

"Are you still tracking him?" the Captain asked once the three got in the car.

"Yes sir. I'm ready to take him out."

"That won't be necessary. I can't lose another officer."

"Vi isn't gone, Voli." Caitlyn sneered, her venomous response silenced the ride for a few seconds.

"That's not what he was trying to say. There's a lot more to do in this city than chase after this idiot. We need you elsewhere." Trundle added.

Caitlyn paused in order for her anger to regress and her head remain level. "Okay. Who's going to take care of him then?" Her answer was given not by her partners, but by the hammer wielding defender of tomorrow standing outside the police station. "Seriously?" She let out a exasperated sigh.


	3. One Suave Cucumber

"Hey Vi it's me. We're on the fourth day of your comatose. I've tracked this Secret Squirrel Man to this abandoned apartment building down in the west district. Captain won't let me engage, he's left that up to Jayce. Yeah...Jayce. I guess I'll see how that goes. Talk to you soon." Caitlyn took a few minutes to stare at her phone after closing the call. It was the second consecutive voice mail she's sent her partner. A smile draped over her face imagining how annoyed Vi will be when she listens to these cheesy thinking-of-you-voicemails. It was enough to keep the dark thoughts out of her head for awhile.

She wasn't able to dwell on that fantasy for long. Just a few seconds after she resumed writing a ticket for an illegally parked car, a horde of fangirls brushed past her. There was no reason for her to look to see where they were going. After being in this city long enough you begin to realize there's only one man who's famous, handsome, and single enough to draw that kind of a crowd. Things were about to get scary on these streets. Instead of running with them Caitlyn retreated to her police cycle.

"Ladies please, it's not safe for you to be out here." The man of tomorrow grinned. His suave exterior was enough to fool the ladies into thinking he thought of them in a way other than an easy lay. Jayce watched as they all collectively spoke out towards him, and nodded as if he were listening. "I love you too, but please, let the young officer there escort you all back home. It's going to get really dangerous here soon." he flicked his eyes over to Caitlyn just before she was going to speed off.

Jayce took a few steps back as Caitlyn whipped her motorcycle inbetween the hero and the fangirls. The suddenness of her actions coupled with the blaring loudness of her sirens made the fangirls scurry away. Caitlyn turned to look toward Jayce, who had his eyes on the apartment. The old building had all the windows boarded up except for one. Inside that one open window was a plume of smoke rising, and a faint image of a man peeking outside.

"Is that him?" Jayce didn't sound impressed.

"Yeah."

Both of them continued to stare at the man in the window, huge amounts of smoke began to pour out.

"Is that weed?" Jayce asked after a few loud sniffs.

"Yeah."

A brief pause was had. Jayce was trying to hold in his laughter.

"This guy beat Vi?"

"Yeah. Stop stalling, hero." Caitlyn exchanged dirty looks with Jayce before driving off.

Upon entering the building Jayce found himself blinded by smoke. The whole place reeked of marijuana to the point where the hero knew he had to throw these clothes away after this. He resorted to feeling the walls in order to see. It took at least ten minutes to get all the way up the building where the squirrel man resided. The closer he got to his room the more dense the smoke was. Now that he was on the same floor he was able to hear whatever TV show the man was watching, it helped guide him to the room.

Jayce knocked on the door. "Uhm...Mister..Squirrel Man?"

The door flung open. Jayce locked eyes with the faded Secret Squirrel Man. His red eyes were droopy, but perked up after remembering he hadn't said anything. "How ya doin how ya doin?" he asked, his hand stretched out going for a handshake.

"I'm doing fine, may I come in?" Jayce grinned internally. There was no chance the Secret Squirrel Man was able to fight in this condition. However he would win no sympathy points from attractive ladies if it was a quick fight, he had to stick around so that it would be reported as a long struggle of a duel.

"Sure man." The Secret Squirrel Man pulled his hand away right as Jayce was going to shake it. "Got em." He muttered and began to giggle uncontrollably.

Jayce quickly glanced around the room. He saw various munchies, video games, and a TV blaring dragon ball Z. "...How long have you been in here?" The smell of weed and body odor was beginning to become too much for Jayce to bear.

"A hot minute bruh." The Secret Squirrel Man resumed watching DragonBall Z for a few minutes before realizing he had a guest. When he turned to look at Jayce he noticed the man of tomorrow wobbling a bit. "Yo...you faded dog?" He grinned.

"What?"

"Are you high?"

"No...I don't smoke."

"But you breathe right?" The Secret Squirrel Man began to laugh.

Jayce realized he had made a mistake. His pure lungs have now been infested with cannabis. "Whatever." He muttered, trying not to lose his cool. "What have you been doing up here?"

"Healing n training dog." The Secret Squirrel Man extended his arms out as a gesture that hinted for Jayce to take in the scenery. "Y'know cannabis is a miracle drug right? Heals the body and the soul."

Jayce refused to reply to that last statement. "I don't see any punching bags or...or really anything other than food. What are you planning on doing with all this 'training'?"

"What?" The Secret Squirrel Man gave a dumbfounded look. "You don't see this TV right here? What's it playin?"

"Er, Dragonball-" Enough air was pulled out of Jayces' lungs to keep him from finishing his sentence. That was the power of,

" **Deez.** " Thanks to the marijuana Jayce hadn't noticed how much the Secret Squirrel Mans stance was changing. What was once a scrawny man rocking back n forth was now a very controlled force of nature in a wide stance, and one arm stretched out. A metal acorn shot out of The Secret Squirrel Mans open palm once the word was spoken. This acorn shot Jayce in the chest, pushing him through the wall.


	4. Tensions Building! Title Sequence Part 1

It's been a week since the last sighting of the Secret Squirrel Man. Jayce was found recovering in the hospital three days after his initial visit to the abandoned building. Caitlyn had no interest in figuring out why he was injured, and gladly walked past his room. Her superiors had summoned her up to Vi's room. Volibear told her that her partner had finally woke up, but forgot to tell her about the pink haired brutes sister sitting on a chair next to a broken window. Unlike some people who have no control over their emotions Caitlyn was able to contain her distaste for Jinx once she walked into the room. There was no sign of violence from Trundle or Volibear, so it was safe to assume there was a reason for her appearance.

"Hey." Vi's condition had her sounding soft, which was never a word Caitlyn thought she would ever associate her partner with. It was almost unnerving to hear her voice.

"Hi." Caitlyn smiled. She would've liked to extend the reunion with chit-chat, but with Jinx in the room it was obvious something was going on. "Why's she here?"

"Welllllll I heard you had a squirrel problem! An...attractive squirrel problem?" Jinx leaned over to Vi in hope for confirmation on her assumption.

Vi shrugged.

"Okay. Well he's not here, so why are you?" Caitlyn pressed on.

"She's got some friends in there taking care of him as we speak. We can't underestimate this man anymore." Trundle spoke up. His body language quelling Caitlyns sass.

Meanwhile in the abandoned building...

After a quick shower The Secret Squirrel Man was ready to begin his morning ritual. He quickly got dressed and packed a bowl, excited to start the Buu saga of Dragon Ball Z. However there was something in the air that was keeping his excitement from hitting its maximum potential. The Secret Squirrel Man slowly placed his bowl on the nightstand by his couch, and slowly began putting his mask on. Just a few seconds later the left hand of the masked man had grabbed onto the air, which was soon revealed to be the left ass cheek of a blue skinned assassin.

"H-how did you...?" The woman was confused, and showing discomfort at the kung fu grip this man had on her cheek.

"I always know where good booty is." Right after saying that the Secret Squirrel Man found himself with several darts shot into his back.

A giant anthropomorphic rat soon appeared from thin air. "I was hiding!" the animal cackled while watching his target fall down.

"Yes Twitch, we know." Evelynn rolled her eyes.

The Secret Squirrel Man groaned, rolling around the floor. Evelynn took a step back with a smile on her face. "Eghh...I feel...dizzy...and...nauseous...oh god...so...cold." The Secret Squirrel Man placed his hand on his forehead. He gasped. "My temperature! It's got to be 100 degrees Fahrenheit...or over! Did you poison me?"

Twitch laughed. "Yes! Yes I did!"

Our heroes groveling found himself laying on the couch. Both Twitch and Evelynn didn't mind seeing their targets in pain before executing them, so the squirrel man was free to suffer. They were perplexed that the man began to itch vigorously. "Wh...what did you put in my hair!?" he screamed.

"Uhm..." Twitch paused to look at his partner.

"...Nothing?" Evelynn responded.

"It itches so bad...please...WHAT DID YOU DO!?"

"Nothing!" Both of them shouted.

The Secret Squirrel Man began to pant. It was obvious to the assassins that he was on his last leg. With empty eyes he looked to the blue skinned beauty. "Please...I don't...I don't want to go out with an itchy head..." he then looked over at Twitch. "Could one of you please find out what's in this fro? I think..." The poison was getting to him, he was slipping in and out of consciousness.

After a few seconds of silent debating Evelynn volunteered to check out the mans hair. She couldn't find anything. Twitch accompanied her, but wasn't successful in finding anything either.

"Please...find it...I think it's...I think...it's..." He grinned. " **Deez**."

The Secret Squirrel Man shook his head while scratching with both hands. Tiny metal acorns shot all over the room. Evelynn and Twitch were sent flying through said room. Both of them turned invisible and immediately began to find some kind of shelter. It was no use. The acorns slowed them down until both of them were unconscious. Now that the action had died down the next battle begins. The poison in the crossbow darts were still in full effect. There was only one antidote the squirrel man would allow in his body, and that was the antidote that mother nature gave this world. With his bowl in one hand and lighter in the other the Secret Squirrel Man began to take a gigantic hit in hopes that the weed would chill the poison out.

He inhaled deeply then exhaled deeply. However smoke wasn't the only thing coming out of his mouth, there was blood too.

Back at the Hospital...

After dozing off for ten minutes Jinx perked up. She sensed a dramatic moment coming, and quickly scurried out of the hospital through the window. Jayce had regained consciousness and was also summoned into Vi's room. Until all of his wounds were fully healed he was restricted to a wheelchair. He had a nice collection of gifts that his fans sent him. Most of them were candies that he happily shared with everyone. Caitlyn was too focused on where Jinx was going to pay attention to him.

"I'm going to see where she went." Caitlyn walked off once it was her turn to receive a candy.

Volibear waited for her to climb out of the window before restarting the conversation. "So..what do you know of this Secret Squirrel Man?"

"He's fucking weird." Jayce chuckled to himself before shoving more candy in his mouth.

"He could've killed both of us, but he didn't." Vi said. Despite her weak tone she was sounding very hollow. Everyone noticed her blank stare as she began recollecting what happened that day. "I wasn't able to see that acorn until it was too late. That kind of speed...it should've killed me...but it didn't."

Caitlyn had made it up to the rooftop of the hospital. She had regretted stepping out of the building in such a dangerous way, but her actions were justified when she saw what the known convict was doing. The blue haired nut case was loading a giant missile into her gun. Caitlyn could see the Secret Squirrel Mans hideout from here, and was able to connect the dots rather easily. Instead of trying to reason with Jinx, she pulled out her gun.

"Don't." Caitlyn warned.

"Don't?"

"I won't let you blow that building up."

"Are you guys not trying to take out that squirrel man?" Jinx aimed her weapon, ignoring Caitlyns presence in the process. Her eyes were taken off the scope once she heard the officers gun cock. "This is how you do it."

"You've got..." Caitlyn paused. Was she really trying to talk sense to this girl? It would be waste of time. "I'll blow your hand off before you pull the trigger."

Jinx laughed "Get real girlfriend! When have you ever been a match for me?" She continued to laugh.

And so the standoff began.

Jayce listened to Vi's words intently, and began to think back to his own battle with the Secret Squirrel Man. "The same happened to me. That stupid acorn...it came out of nowhere. I mean really." His charm didn't allow him to say anything with the same tone Vi did. He had to make gestures to accompany his voice in order for the tone to stay light. "I think that thing came out of his hand?" he laughed, but not the funny kind of laugh. It was more of a perplexed laugh.

"I don't think he wants to kill us Voli." The pink haired patient looked to the bear. "I think he just wants to beat us."

"Who's us?"

"Champions of the league." Trundle answered. "He's yet to act violent towards anyone who isn't part of the league."

They all laughed.


	5. Piltover End

There was one more enemy in the room that the Squirrel Man had not accounted for. His negligence cost him a perfectly good bowl. A knife was sticking out of a hard to reach place on the heroes back as he fell to his knees, coughing up smoke and blood. This sneak attack did little to cripple the squirrel mans resolve. His assassin knew that, and kept himself in the shadows. The only problem with that is there was still a good amount of smoke lingering in the squirrel mans room.

"This is the part where I say **Deez** , right?" The Secret Squirrel Man asked once he regained his composure. Now on his feet he jerked his right hand in an offensive motion, but only feigned the attack. Thankfully the would be defender is smart enough to know the power of **deez** , and immediately let out his clone once he noticed the hand movement.

With smoke still in the room the Secret Squirrel Man was easily able to spot the real one from the clone. Within seconds after realizing the squirrel mans fake out, his assassin pulled out a toy box. Unfortunately for him he wasn't fast enough to lay it on the ground before his target got in his face. **Deez** didn't need to be used, one hook to chin was enough to reveal the now incapacitated clown.

XXX

Jinx began to cackle at the predicament she put herself in. The stand off was nothing more than an irritant for both of them, only difference is that Caitlyn found no amusement from it. All the attention the twisted killer gave to the officer was now directed at the building. Caitlyn understood that her shot had to be fired now if it were to have any effect on this events outcome. Without remorse the trigger was pulled, but just as it was a golden hand emerged from the streets below. It gently grabbed the large missile launcher and jerked it out of the wielders hands just before Jinx could fire.

The bullets target changed from Jinxs' fingers to the roof tile. Caitlyn refused to accept that result. She walked to the crazed shooter and jammed the butt of her rifle into the pale womans nose. The look on her face as Caitlyn walked away suggested this wasn't the first time she had done this to Jinx, and it wouldn't be the last.

"How long until they're ready?" Volibear asked Trundle, who's response was delayed once Caitlyn came through the window.

"Jinx attempted to blow up the squirrel mans hideout, Blitzcrank and I subdued her. Turns out the bots not gone after all." She found herself a seat after speaking.

"Yeah, we figured that out already." Vi teased. She then directed her attention to Trundle. "When can they be in position?"

"They're on their way now. It should only take a few minutes. Volibear, Caitlyn and I shall lead the Squirrel Man to the Gauntlet." Trundle turned to silence Caitlyn before she asked any questions. "I'll explain on the way, let's go."

XXX

Two groups stood on opposite ends of the street. On one side the remaining members of the Piltover police force, and on the other side stood the one man army known as the Secret Squirrel Man. Both sides continued their advance on each other. It didn't take long for the Secret Squirrel Man to turn his calm walk into a brisk run, prompting his foes to do the same. Once they got close to each other the ground turned to ice. Volibear went on all fours and sprinted past the rest of his group.

Once the squirrel man stood in the ice he noticed his movements slow down significantly. He tried to retreat out of the circle of ice, but as he turned around he crashed into a pillar. Before the hero could fall to the ground Volibear used his hands to launch him into the air. While in mid air the Secret Squirrel Man had a view of Caitlyn lining up her shot. Two fingers is all the Squirrel Man needed to catch her bullet, or so he thought. Despite it being caught the bullets momentum stayed, and eventually forced itself to break free. The Secret Squirrel Man was barely able to dodge the fatal blow. Due to his focus on the bullet he wasn't noticing Blitzcranks golden arm gripping his torso.

The robot pulled his target close while Trundle wound up his club. There was only two seconds between the moment Blitzcrank released his grip and the moment in which Trundles club would crash into the squirrel man. Unfortunately two seconds allowed the squirrel man only enough time to grip tightly onto the club. Caitlyn laid down traps below Trundles weapon, prompting the squirrel man to exit through the air. With great speed the Secret Squirrel Man scurried on top of Trundles weapon. He managed to kick the troll just before losing his balance. Trundles thick skin made sure that the kick wasn't a knockout, and it had cost the squirrel man his freedom. Once he was in the air Caitlyn shot a net at him.

"Guess we don't need the Gauntlet after all?" Caitlyn smirked as the four circled the captured squirrel man.

"You think this net can hold me pussies?" The Secret Squirrel Man sneered. "Listen, I don't know what this gauntlet is but Imma need you to take me to it after I'm done beating these two." He pointed at both Trundle and Volibear.

"It's over Squirrel Man." Trundle declared.

The masked man looked around at the hopelessness of his situation. His eyes darting around to map out potential escape plans, but nothing came to mind "No...I can't lose." he sighed. The officers were confused at the frail voice that came out of the hero. He fell to his knees with his hands on the ground.

"Why?" This moment of weakness struck Caitlyns curiosity. Her co-workers looked at her with shock as she soon realized what she had done.

"Cause I have **deez**." The Secret Squirrel Man grinned.

The ground began to shake. Volibear tried to make a break for it, but a giant metal acorn emerged from underneath to strike him in the back of the head. Trundle witnessed his partner knocked unconscious. He stepped back slowly with his club in a defensive position. It wasn't of much use. Another metal acorn came from the ground, breaking the club, and quickly breaking Trundles face. All of it happened so fast that it took Caitlyn a few moments to aim her weapon at their attacker. By the time her eyes lined with the scope of her gun, the Squirrel Man had vanished.

"I'd like to go to this gauntlet now." The Secret Squirrel Man asked politely.


	6. The Wind, she HOWLS a Challenge

**There's been about 600 of you that has decided to check out this little story of mine, thanks a lot! Whether you've been re-reading it or lurking it's all good to me. I'm gonna switch gears from the SSM stomping over fools towards more long fights. At first I thought of long fights as "fights in which the SSM might have to think a little bit", but i can't guarantee I'm gonna have any smart fights around (I don't know if I'm smart enough yet to make smart engaging fights but we'll see). I would like to know from you guys if you've been finding this the least bit entertaining. Numbers can't tell me everything y'know? So if you're reading this and got a few seconds to spare an opinion that would be super! To be honest with you guys I would like to make a comic of this someday (of the SSM in his own universe n stuff), but right now I don't know the full spectrum of the character. I hope you guys don't feel like guinea pigs, but the fanfic is a bit of an experiment.**

"Are you gonna go in or what?" Caitlyn grew impatient. The Secret Squirrel Man had been staring at the entrance of the cave for about three minutes. She felt compelled to stay with him until he went in. It delighted her to know that this would be the last time this nuisance would be walking.

"I will. Just gotta savor the moment." The Secret Squirrel Man kept his eyes focused on the cave, and scanned upwards to view the rest of the mountain. It took them an hour to get here. All around them was a dense forest, and what seems to be the sound of a waterfall out in the distance.

Caitlyn failed to understand the sentiment he was trying to grasp from this moment, and decided to speed off. The squirrel man waited until he could no longer hear the sound of her motorcycle, and then proceeded inside. Torches lit up a hallway leading into a small arena. Once the Secret Squirrel Man stepped inside he could hear the sharp sound of a sword leaving its sheathe. A gust of wind blew the hero back, and extinguished all the lit torches.

"Darkness won't help ya." The Secret Squirrel Man stood still. His ears picked up the sound of a man breathing. Air began to part as the figure sprinted toward his target. He turned around to face him. "You got a bad vibe dude, I can sense it a mile away." He gripped the hand of his opponent. His katana was a few inches short of slicing the squirrels head off.

The two instantly parted on opposite sides of the cave. Everything grew quiet once more. The swordsman dashed toward the flickering sound of a lighter, but all he sliced was the lighter itself. One of the four torches in this cave was lit. The Secret Squirrel Man only got a brief look at his opponent checking his blade. There was blood mixed in with the lighter fluid. He chuckled and then calmly walked away from the light. The squirrel man continued to keep track of where this swordsman was as he began thinking of ways to light this cave up. A true stoner always carries a back up lighter in case his primary one falls. He whipped it out and made a mad dash for the closest torch.

Our heroes opponent stabbed his sword into the wall, missing the Secret Squirrel Man by an inch. Two out of four torches were now lit, both of them disappeared. At the third torch the swordsman struck at the lighter instead of the man. The Secret Squirrel Man let his arm get a damaging cut in order for the third torch to get lit. With most of the room now shown there were fewer places to hide. The Secret Squirrel Man stood on the opposite end of his now visible opponent, who placed himself in front of the last torch.

"Lighting this room will not give you the advantage." The man widened his stance, and held his katana with both hands.

"Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I'm just testing to see what you can do."

"Hmph, you don't know the half of what I can do." He said as if the mere assumption was an insult to his abilities.

The Secret Squirrel Man ran to the torch at blinding speeds. Within a few seconds the squirrel mans hands had the lighter over the torch. There wasn't a flame, but there was a blade pressed against the heroes neck. The two locked eyes as the Secret Squirrel Man brought flame to the lighter, and began lighting the last torch. As he continued with that action he felt the blade press harder and harder against said neck. Once the flame caught onto the torch the Secret Squirrel Man bent backwards at an angle and speed that would break any ordinary mans back. Both of his legs came up to strike at the swordsman, but bent to dodge the sword that immediately followed. The fourth torch was lit, and the opponents were yet again standing opposite of each other.

"You're pretty quick. Tell me, do you think you're as fast as **Deez**?" The Secret Squirrel Man stretched his arm toward the swordsman. An acorn appeared, but it was not thrown. "Those people over at Piltover told me the guys in this cave are pretty strong. I can tell you got some skill with that sword. Now I'm an honorable man, so it's only natural that I fight you in the same way you'll fight me." He unscrewed the top of the acorn, and pulled out a wooden practice katana.

After briefly gripping the weapon the Secret Squirrel Man charged forward. He met the swordsman halfway, and the two began to engage in combat. With each clash of their sword part of the wooden katana was sliced off. After several slices the katana looked more like a blunt dagger. While the swordsman looked to slice the last of the katana, the squirrel man dipped to the left in order to land a hard left hook into his opponents jaw. The power behind the punch sent the swordsman staggering backwards.

The squirrel mans opponent laughed. "I like that, that was very amusing," he wiped a bit of blood from his lips before continuing "whats your name?"

" **Deez,** whats yours?" The Secret Squirrel Man asked whilst throwing a metal acorn at the swordsman.

A wall of wind rose from the ground, guided by the katana. "Yasuo." The man said, and quickly vanished from sight.

Yasuo appeared behind the squirrel man, who effortlessly evaded the structured sword swiping. Each move was planned and the speed increased in order to test each others limits. The Secret Squirrel Man was too busy dodging the blade to notice wind spiraling around Yasuo. His opponent pushed himself backwards and launched a small tornado from his blade. The squirrel man tried to keep himself on the ground, and even punched his fists into the Earth in order to weigh himself down. It was no use, the chunk of Earth his fists were under was pulled up with him. Yasuo appeared within the tornado, his sword slicing with more power than before. The first three slices demolished the ground chunk that the squirrel man used as a shield. Yasuo aimed his last high powered slice at the belly of the squirrel man. He was shocked to see the man catching his sword with his feet.

The tornado disappeared, both of them were now falling to the ground. Yasuo tilted his blade in a diagonal direction so that he would now be slicing the squirrel mans foot off. The Secret Squirrel Man spread as well as moved his legs away, allowing his limbs to not be at the mercy of the katana. When the two hit the ground the squirrel man noticed a heavy pain in his right leg. He had gotten cocky and thought himself safe when he dodged that last attack. Yasuo had his sword stabbed into the squirrel mans skinny calves.

Wind began to pulsate from the katana. Without words the Secret Squirrel Man understood what Yasuo was planning to do. If he didn't act fast enough the wind was going to rip his leg. In a panic the Secret Squirrel Man began to murmur something. The mumbling grew louder as the pain grew more intense. He began pounding the ground, and screaming these inaudible words.

"This is sad, what are you doing?" Yasuo sounded disappointed in the actions of his opponent.

The Secret Squirrel Man continued his mumbling.

"What!?" Yasuo asked

" **Deez.** " The Squirrel Man answered. Two fingers on his right hand pointed at Yasuo, then bent to himself. The metal acorn from before was heading this way.

Yasuo could hear the acorn rise from the ground. He had no choice but to grab his sword in order to deflect the acorn with another wind wall. When he turned back around the squirrel man was gone. He looked around the room, but his enemy was nowhere to be seen. Yasuo stayed in a defensive position. As he circled he could hear something mimic his movements behind him. Yasuo stabbed his sword backwards, but no one was there. The Secret Squirrel Man appeared in front of Yasuo, and issued a barrage of punches to his enemies body. Before Yasuo could retaliate the squirrel man clasped his hands together as if he were about to pray. When the swordsman cut the man down, only his clothes inhabited by squirrels fell. The squirrels were not harmed, and quickly scattered away.

"Have you tried looking above?" A partially naked Secret Squirrel Man asked after a few seconds of Yasuo standing around.

A tornado summoned by the sword rose from where Yasuo was standing. The Secret Squirrel Man avoided it. He grabbed what was left of his practice katana before leaping into the air again, landing at a safe distance from his opponent.

"Set me up fam." The Secret Squirrel Man asked.

"For what?"

"For **Deez**." The Secret Squirrel Man ran at Yasuo. His face was strained as he tried hard to ignore the pain in his leg, and the unhealthy amount of blood gushing from it.

Yasuo aimed his blade to strike at the Squirrel Mans neck. In the few seconds that existed where their attacks have yet to connect, Yasuo was surprised to see the squirrel man ignore his attack and go straight for Yasuos gut. This made the swordsman feel safe. He didn't hear the acorn come from the ground so he was unsure of why the man said deez. That is until, at the last second, he looked at the wooden katanas shadow. It wasn't shaped like a broken practice weapon. It was shaped like a metal acorn. Before the sword connected an acorn rose from the shadow and into the face of Yasuo. The attack immediately knocked the swordsman unconscious as well as through the cave wall.

"Holy shit." The Secret Squirrel Man whispered as he limped to his fallen enemy. Before getting dressed he took a part of the mans half shirt thing and used it to bandage his wound. Through the rubble he could see another path in the cave, most likely leading to the next opponent. He decided it was best to take a small breather before continuing.


	7. A Grand Challenge inDeez

The Secret Squirrel Man limped his way to the next area. A nearly constant stream of curse words whimpered out of the mans mouth each time he put pressure on his wounded leg. He pulled out a chocolate chip cookie out of one of his pouches. The pain kept him too busy to realize he had stepped into the next fighting zone, where a rapier wielding sword master stood at the ready. With a quick lunge her sword sliced the cookie in half, forcing the Squirrel Man to stumble backwards. If it weren't for his leg he would be able to gather more distance, instead he fell to the ground.

"This is not the time for eating, Squirrel Man." She pointed the sword in his direction.

"The only woman that can tell me when to eat is my momma!" The Squirrel Man growled. A gust of wind took place of where the Squirrel Man was sitting. His opponent noticed an indention in the ground, along with blood, assuming he's sped off.

The dense stench of marijuana caught the duelists nose. She turned to see the Squirrel Man munching on both halves of his cookie. "My name is Fiora. I've spent many years practicing the art of swordplay. With one as speedy as yourself I'd like to issue you a challenge."

"Word, what kind of challenge?"

"Dodge my blade." Fiora darted toward the Squirrel Man once she finished speaking.

The Secret Squirrel Man was in no condition to dash away like he did before. He kept his ground and began to weave in all directions opposite of his opponents rapier. For a solid minute neither of them blinked. Sweat was forming on both fighters faces as their muscles strained to move at high speed. A minute was all the two could handle. Once they stopped the Squirrel Man appeared to be unscathed. He laughed up until his chin beard fell to the ground.

"Wh...wha...?" The Squirrel Man rubbed his chin. It was the smoothest shave he's ever gotten.

"Look down." She waited until the hero did as she said. Below him was a blue light with four elegantly designed arrows pointing in opposite directions. One of them had just faded away. "With each hit my blade gets stronger, and I get faster. If I were you I wouldn't let me strike you all four times."

"Hmph, you're a cocky lady. I like it." The Secret Squirrel Man took a second to admire the arrows. He then put his attention back to her. "Imma give you thirty minutes to finish me off."

"What happens after thirty minutes?"

"I hit you with **Deez**." With a quick flick of his wrist a metal acorn emerged in his hand. The Squirrel Man threw directly at her.

Fiora dashed backwards, and with one precise movement was able to send the acorn back at her opponent. The Secret Squirrel Man was not prepared to handle this. He had been hit by his own **Deez** , which sent him through the wall. The swordsman walked to where her opponent had fallen. As she got closer she realized that the only thing in the rubble was the metal acorn. She looked down to see a skinny leg hit the left side of her body. Fiora braced herself to fly across the room, but the skinniness of the leg didn't have enough power for that. The leg had retracted the moment she could retaliate.

"You thought you could hit me with my own **Deez?** " The Squirrel Man juked past her once Fiora turned around. A metal acorn appeared in his hand.

"It doesn't matter. You're not a hard man to read." She turned around just as the metal acorn was being thrown. Another riposte sent the acorn flying away.

The Secret Squirrel Man punched the acorn before it hit the wall. This powerful weapon broke apart like glass when it touched the squirrels fist. Once it broke smoke began to fill the room. Fiora rolled her eyes. She was disappointed that her foe forgotten that the first acorn broke through one of the cave walls. All of the smoke that was meant to shield the Squirrel Man was now exiting through said hole. Through instincts Fiora swung behind her, and scraped the cheek of the Secret Squirrel Man. There were now only two arrows below his feet.

The Secret Squirrel Man just stood there looking at Fiora, blood trickling down his cheek. She waited for a reaction for two minutes before swinging again. Her sword sliced across his chest, tearing both skin and cloth. There was now only one arrow below his feet. She was confused that the Squirrel Man still had no reacted. Before she swung again she noticed the lenses of the Squirrel Mans helmet turn red.

"Fuck." The Secret Squirrel Man groaned. "Times up, by the way." He began wiping the blood off of both of his wounds.

"It hasn't been thirty minutes yet."

"Bitch why would I tell you an honest time of when my special move would come out? Do I look retarded?"

Fiora replied with an angry slash, but was surprised to see the simple spin move the squirrel man used to dodge. This spin move wasn't complete without a kick to the face that had enough force to knock Fiora off balance. Before she could regain her composure the Squirrel Man stepped in close and began to unleash a barrage of heavy punches. The onslaught was relentless. No punches were pulled until the swordsman fell to the ground. Bruises were likely scattered around her chest as blood trickled down the womans mouth. Despite it all she kept a grip on her sword. Her time to strike didn't come until the Secret Squirrel Man turned his back.

After only one step the Squirrel Man shrieked in pain. He looked down to see a rapier stabbed through the wound Yasuo gave him before. The already damaged leg dropped to the ground like an anchor. Another shriek occurred when the Squirrel Man fell to his knees, leaning forward with his hands on the ground, he watched as the blade stabbed through his left hand. The Secret Squirrel Man issued a heavy kick to the swordsmans' gut. Fiora gave out a low grunt just before falling back to the ground.

"You're a fool if you think you're the only one..." Fiora paused, the damaged done to her by the fists have likely cracked a few ribs. Breathing was as hard as getting back on her feet. "...who isn't afraid to give their all to win." She chuckled to herself. "I don't even have to win, do I? You don't kill." Fiora began walking to the kneeling Squirrel Man. "We're not merciful like you. I am ready to finish you." She had taken pleasure in this duel, mainly because she can now see herself as the victor. Her blade began shimmering a bright blue when she aimed it at her opponent.

"How can you be ready to finish me...when you aren't even ready for **Deez**?" The Secret Squirrel Man kept his back to her, but bent his head back so that he could see her. He had lost feeling in his left hand, but was able to wield his metal acorn in his right.

The metal acorn was thrown, and as expected Fiora used her blade to send the acorn back to its owner. However this time the Secret Squirrel Man showed no fear. He tracked the acorns movements, and spun his body around so that he was on all fours facing her. The explosion the metal acorn made when it hit the ground was enough to disorient the two just a little. In these few seconds it would come down to who could keep their senses straight. Fiora was filled with confidence that she already won, the explosion was nothing more than an inconvenience. Except by thinking of it as such she allowed herself to minimize her vision by squinting when dirt flew towards her.

"I'm sorry I meant **Deez**." The Secret Squirrel Man fired his helmet. Once detached, his headpiece turned into a metal acorn. This crashed into the womans head hard enough to knock her out cold.


	8. An Iron Will

The Secret Squirrel Man had blacked out for an unknown amount of time after his fight with Fiora. He was coaxed back into reality thanks to the soothingly loud sound of a nearby waterfall. Despite his muscles protest the hero stumbled to his feet. Right then he could feel the weight of the world trying to shut him down. His legs felt like they were filled with lead, but he managed to move them. His eyes were out of focus, but the waterfall wasn't an easy target to miss. His body, drained of all energy, begged him to stop this pointless crusade, but there was enough fire in his soul to keep him from listening.

All the Secret Squirrel Man focused on was the waterfall. He cared not about the blind monk meditating in the shadows. At the halfway mark the squirrels body was burning. The Secret Squirrel Man fell to his knees. His ears picked up a sound from the corner of this cave. Someone was walking towards him, which meant another fight. Without thought he devoured the last edible available in his pouch. He was too desperate to consume the cookie that he forgot how dry his throat was. The blind monk watched his adversary choke whilst refusing to spit any crumbs out.

With the waterfall within a dreams reach the Secret Squirrel Man began to frantically crawl to his salvation. His opponent could hear the squirrel mans lips and tongue smacking in a desperate attempt to generate some kind of spit. There wasn't enough strength left in the squirrels body for him to make it to the waterfall. Thankfully his arm could reach close enough to the waterfall that some droplets would sprinkle on his nasty ass glove. The condition of his clothing didn't stop the Squirrel Man from sucking the liquid out of the semi-soaked glove. His thirst wasn't quenched, but it gave him enough motivation to make a weak dive toward the edge of the cave. It was just enough to have a large amount of water crash onto his face.

He laid there for half an hour.

Ironically the monk grew impatient. He walked to his seemingly deceased opponent and picked him up. Before he could think to react the monk was punched in the face. This had the monk release his grip on the man who gracefully landed on both feet. What the monk couldn't see were the burning red eyes of the Secret Squirrel Man. The lack of sight was in the monks favor. This allowed him to see beyond outside appearances, and with that noticing that his body was still in rough shape. He wasn't worried that the punch he received was enough to make him bleed. The fight would be over after a couple of heavy hits.

The Secret Squirrel Man wasted no time with banter. A barrage of fists was heading in the monks way. They weren't fast enough to not be dodged, yet the blind man was still getting hit. He could hear the squirrel mans arms and the exact moment the punch was heading his way. Not to mention he could feel his hands move the fists away from his body. Despite all of that he was still getting hit. A couple fists from the monk were now mixed with the squirrel mans offense. Each of them began to trade blows, but the squirrel mans landed hits were greatly outweighing the monks.

There was no other choice for the blind fighter but to retreat to a safe distance. The pause in the battle helped him recollect on what just happened. "It's not physically possible for you to throw as many punches as you just did." he commented after a moment of thought.

"Could be that I'm just that fast. You wanna come back n' find out?"

The monk laughed. "I underestimated you in your current state." He said before calmly walking back into range of the squirrel mans fists. "My name is Lee Sin. You now have my attention."

"My name is **Deez Nuts** , and I need for this to end quickly." The Squirrel Man used both hands in order to hold the powerful metal acorn that popped into existence.

Lee Sin was appalled at what he was seeing. His nonfunctional eyes only produced darkness, but now in that darkness was a fierce blue energy. This energy contorted itself into the image of a giant squirrel. Not only that, but within the squirrel he was able to see an outline of his opponent holding what looked to be a metal acorn. Coupled with this intimidating sight he began to feel his balance slipping. The ground around him was cracking. In the distance thunder clapped, and the air started growing thin.

Lee Sin was pinned to the wall once the Squirrel Man began his advance. It took less than a second for the metal acorn to land into the chest of the blind fighter. Once the attack landed the Secret Squirrel Man gripped the acorn with both hands and widened his stance. He was pulling the acorn away once he saw his attack drill into the chest of his opponent. His reluctance to kill an enemy lead to the Squirrel Man throwing the powerful acorn upwards. This explosion turned this section of the mountain to rubble. The Secret Squirrel Man was dumbfounded to see the monk dish out a sonic wave that helped the hero get out of the explosion. The squirrel man blasted through the waterfall, and was greeted by a gorgeous view of a vast forest. He was standing on a courtyard made of white stone.

There was a man waiting for the Squirrel Man. Another opponent, but not one willing to fight now. Instead he pointed at the mountain. This caused the squirrel man to turn around just in time to see Lee Sin hurling towards the courtyard with one foot ready to connect with the squirrel man. Unfortunately for the Secret Squirrel Man it wasn't enough time to dodge. The attack replaced the courtyard with a crater. Both fighters laid next to each other.

The Secret Squirrel Man turned his head to see his opponent. Lee Sin was bleeding profusely through the chest. His complexion hinted that the kick he just landed was his final attack. Of all the emotions that ran through the squirrel mans mind at the time, guilt was the one that dominated them all. If it weren't for the kick damaging most of his ribs, the Squirrel Man might have opened his mouth to apologize. Instead all he could do was watch as the life of the monk was released from his body.

Soon after the man standing in the courtyard knelt down by the monks side. He confirmed that Lee Sin was indeed dead, and then stared at the Secret Squirrel Man. The hero closed his eyes with regret. It wasn't long until his eyes shot back open when he heard a weapon coming down at his head. The tip of a brass lamppost was now pointing at the Squirrel Mans face.

"Get up."


	9. Raid Boss Down

With the help of a menacing brass lampost the Secret Squirrel Man peeled himself off the ground. Words couldn't describe the condition his body was in. In fact his brain wasn't even able to decide how much pain was bleeding out. However the powers that be somehow allowed the Secret Squirrel Man enough strength to pull out his cracked bowl. The man who held the heroes life in his hands agreed to the squirrel mans request to regain his composure, which was signaled by the raggedy hero holding up his finger. With the help of the flame from his enemies lamp-post, the Secret Squirrel Man managed to take a massive hit. A mixture of blood and smoke poured out of his mouth as the squirrel man fell on one knee. His fingers couldn't withstand the weight of the bowl anymore. The cracked piece broke on impact.

"I've been watching you kid. This isn't how I wanted it to go." The man took a few steps forward. He watched the Secret Squirrel Man get up, and had no pleasure in listening to the soundtrack of his struggle. Wheezing, grunting, and tears just to name a few sounds that spilled out through the many times it took the man to stand.

When the squirrel finally got on two feet he looked at his reaper dead in the eye. His dried lips began to quiver and his face contorted in an effort to try to push words out of his mouth. All that could escape his lips was a low rumble. The Secret Squirrel Mans balance began to give out as he wobbled left and right. His mumbling persisted.

"What?" The opponent leaned in to try to hear what the Squirrel Man was saying.

A cracked, yet coherent, " **Deez**." was pushed out of the Secret Squirrel Mans mouth with whatever energy the hero had left.

Suddenly a metal acorn was summoned in the palm of his hand. Even though the Squirrel Man barley managed to flick his wrist, the power inside **Deez** propelled it as if it was launched from a cannon. There wasn't much time to register what was going on, and if the Secret Squirrel Man were facing an amateur this attack would surely place him as the victor. Unfortunately he was going up against the opposite. A second is all that this man needed to assess his situation. The man lifted his lamp up and began rapidly spinning it around. He was relieved to see that the metal acorn shot in the opposite direction once it made contact with his weapon. This emotion was not shared by the Secret Squirrel Man.

Without a witty quip the weapons master aimed his lamp post to the mid section of his opponent, who weakly blocked it with his arm. Despite seeming like a good idea at the time the Squirrel Mans bones immediately cracked once the weapon struck him. This was a blow that the Secret Squirrel Man could not afford, and was quickly sent falling down. His body nor his mind wished to get up after receiving such a hit. All he could do was take a good look at the victor before his vision faded.

"Ya got ten of us, you should be proud of that." The man said moments before the end of his lamp was thrusting towards the head of the squirrel man.

That was the last thing the Squirrel Man would hear.


End file.
